Image Credit: Tumblr- wastedyears-wastedy0uth
Sitting in my chair at my computer, trying my best to fake a smile until my shift is over, when in she comes. Tall.Thin. Beautiful.
Now, mind you, when I got ready today, I actually did my hair and put on, what I thought was my best, light natural-looking makeup, and I actually felt pretty…for once.
But in a matter on three seconds, all the confidence I once held vanished. Gone. Never to be seen again.
There she came, waltzing into my workplace in all her glory. Her hair was the perfect shade of blond, as if shehad just left her summer at the beach. She wore highwedges which accentuated her long, tan legs and a simple yet strikingly beautiful dress.
The girl I envied all throughout high school. The girl I hated and loved at the same time. The girl who relentlessly bullied me but who I admired most.
Her walk, the way she talked, her perfectly white teeth, her tall stature, the way girls and guys both flocked towards her… she was a ghastly perfection.
As she walked through the double doors, my eyes dropped for fear of her seeing me in a low end job. I hadn’t seen her since graduation. We aren’t evenFacebook friends. I wanted to keep a hold of the cool and collective image that I had of myself, and that I thought everyone else had of me too.
Suddenly, as she walked past me, not even glancing in my direction, I sank in my chair. The appreciation I felt for the way I looked today was gone. I suddenly hated myself. I hated my frumpy, dark hair and my big glasses, I hated my uniform (I didn’t have a choice on that one,) I hated my dark eyes, I hated my chubby belly, I hated my short legs and thick thighs, I hated that I would never be able to walk that gracefully in high heels like she did. I was disgusted with myself.
I now knew why I was teased in school. I knew, and everyone else knew, that I would never be a part of the “beautiful blond” crowd.
With every step she took, she unknowingly mocked me.
She made me feel pathetic. Like she was this goddess lowering her standards to walk through a dirty Office store, while I sat, feeling humiliated, watching her glide gracefully as I tried to hide my face.
Even though I'm pretty sure she didn't even see me, I was embarrassed. No matter how many times I tell myself "the past is the past," it still haunts me.
Yes, the past IS the past, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us.
My past defines me.
No I was not the coolest in high school. I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't and I got ridiculed for it. But it's what has made me ME!
I'm learning to appreciate my past. Every mocking comment; every cyber bully; every mean text; these have all made me who I am. If I hadn't been made fun of, I may have joined the "beautiful crowd" like I wanted. Then I would have been the one mocking someone else.
I would have been the girl waltzing through an office store, making an old classmate feel insecure.
I'm happy with the path I took.
I don't judge her for the way she made me feel, I'm sure she had no idea how she affected me, but the mere fact is that I want to be more alert and aware of how I unknowingly make people feel.
My thoughts for today.
