Bombshell Blond

Image Credit: Tumblr- wastedyears-wastedy0uth

Sitting in my chair at my computer, trying my best to fake a smile until my shift is over, when in she comes. Tall.Thin. Beautiful.

Now, mind you, when I got ready today, I actually did my hair and put on, what I thought was my best, light natural-looking makeup, and I actually felt pretty…for once.

But in a matter on three seconds, all the confidence I once held vanished. Gone. Never to be seen again.

There she came, waltzing into my workplace in all her glory. Her hair was the perfect shade of blond, as if shehad just left her summer at the beach. She wore highwedges which accentuated her long, tan legs and a simple yet strikingly beautiful dress.

The girl I envied all throughout high school. The girl I hated and loved at the same time. The girl who relentlessly bullied me but who I admired most.

Her walk, the way she talked, her perfectly white teeth, her tall stature, the way girls and guys both flocked towards her… she was a ghastly perfection.

As she walked through the double doors, my eyes dropped for fear of her seeing me in a low end job. I hadn’t seen her since graduation. We aren’t evenFacebook friends. I wanted to keep a hold of the cool and collective image that I had of myself, and that I thought everyone else had of me too.

Suddenly, as she walked past me, not even glancing in my direction, I sank in my chair. The appreciation I felt for the way I looked today was gone. I suddenly hated myself. I hated my frumpy, dark hair and my big glasses, I hated my uniform (I didn’t have a choice on that one,) I hated my dark eyes, I hated my chubby belly, I hated my short legs and thick thighs, I hated that I would never be able to walk that gracefully in high heels like she did. I was disgusted with myself.

I now knew why I was teased in school. I knew, and everyone else knew, that I would never be a part of the “beautiful blond” crowd.

With every step she took, she unknowingly mocked me.

She made me feel pathetic. Like she was this goddess lowering her standards to walk through a dirty Office store, while I sat, feeling humiliated, watching her glide gracefully as I tried to hide my face.

Even though I'm pretty sure she didn't even see me, I was embarrassed. No matter how many times I tell myself "the past is the past," it still haunts me. 

Yes, the past IS the past, but that doesn't mean that it doesn't affect us. 

My past defines me. 

No I was not the coolest in high school. I tried so hard to be someone I wasn't and I got ridiculed for it. But it's what has made me ME! 

I'm learning to appreciate my past. Every mocking comment; every cyber bully; every mean text; these have all made me who I am. If I hadn't been made fun of, I may have joined the "beautiful crowd" like I wanted. Then I would have been the one mocking someone else. 

I would have been the girl waltzing through an office store, making an old classmate feel insecure. 

I'm happy with the path I took. 

I don't judge her for the way she made me feel, I'm sure she had no idea how she affected me, but the mere fact is that I want to be more alert and aware of how I unknowingly make people feel. 

My thoughts for today. 

Remember: "You're A Good Mom"

I recently commented on a post from a dear Instagram mom friend. she basically feels like she isn't a good enough mom to her baby boy and that she constantly compares her life to other "super-moms" on Instagram saying, "I'm not good enough, I'm not as good of a mom..." and, me, having a lot to say on the matter, commented a novel to her. ha. 

well, here are my thoughts on that...

I think, if you're comparing your life to other mom's, you're a good parent. now, I'm not saying that it's GOOD to compare yourself, or that it's necessarily RIGHT; I'm just saying that if you are, then you must want to do better. and being a parent, you can always try to do and be better. Your children are worth it. they deserve to have the BEST version of you all the time. 

Though, comparing yourself isn't always a good thing. you can look at other moms and how they raise their children and aspire to be like them... but if you are constantly comparing yourself to them by means of cutting YOURSELF down, then i think that's detrimental to your self-esteem, your confidence in your parenthood an yourself as a person. you can aspire to be "like" someone else without getting down on yourself.

So don't "compare" your life to someone else's, but use them as an "inspiration" for you to do better. 

I find myself comparing my life and my style of parenting to other moms ALL the time. now, it's not just moms i know in person, but mostly moms i follow on sites like Facebook or Instagram. i see these photos or status updates they post and i think, "wow, their life is perfect!"

CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!!

yep, that's all crap.

no one's life is perfect. see, comparing my life to someones Instagram life is pointless. people only post the photos of the happy moments in their lives. or the pictures where mom and baby are smiling, or doing activities together or playing, etc. no one posts what actually happens in their home. that mom you so desperately want to be like, well she isn't going to stop to take a picture of the time she bangs her baby's head on the door jam. or the moments where she hides in the bathroom, leaving baby to fend for himself, praying he won't get into anything TOO dangerous. or when her and her husband are fighting and screaming profanities at each other. or even the times when she wasn't sure how to properly feed or take care of her baby. 

see, people only post photos of their "highlight-reel" of life. the moments that bring a smile or laugh to someone. not the knitty-gritty things you don't want anyone to know about. 

If you are someone who gets down on yourself for not being a "good enough mom" or not being able to be "like someone else," remember that the person you're trying to measure up to, has faults too. you just can't see them. (ESPECIALLY on social media.)

if you look at my Instagram feed, (located on my home page) you'd think my life is pretty perfect. but all those above things i mentioned... those are MY mom experiences. (some of the better ones. ha) i sugarcoat my life online just like anyone else. 

there is a VERY high possibility that the Instagram mom you wish you could measure up to, is most likely thinking the same thing about your "highlight-reel" and wishing she could have your perfect life. 

Just remember, you ARE a good enough mom. just do what you believe is right and try not to get down on yourself. if you're doing the best that YOU know how to do, then that's where you need to be. 

xoxo,